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Myths about domestic violence

Myths about domestic violence abound. Many either blame the victim for their misery or minimise the nature of the violence involved.

Though unsupported by research evidence, they often lie behind the negative responses many abused women still meet when they seek help. They also cause women to receive inappropriate advice and to suffer unnecessarily.

Some of the commonest of these myths are listed below.

Myth: It's just a quarrel. All couples have them.

Fact: Domestic violence commonly includes forcing a woman to have sex, pulling clumps of her hair out, punching her, even attempting to strangle her. Mental abuse includes depriving a woman of money for food and clothes, keeping her a virtual prisoner, depriving her of sleep and constantly telling her she is ugly, stupid and useless. Unsurprisingly, many abused women live in constant fear. Furthermore the perpetrator develops routines of violence which commonly escalate, getting worse and more frequent over time, though there may be 'honeymoon phases' between violent outbursts.

I didn't need a clock in my house, I used to start shaking around about half past ten each evening because I knew he was due through the door.

I was afraid of everything, I was allowed out occasionally and to pick up the children from school. I was timed, I was watched.

Physical abuse may last from five minutes to two hours, but the mental abuse is 24 hours...

Myth: It can't be that bad or she'd leave.

Fact: Women will stay in violent homes for a variety of reasons. They may be worried about where they will get the money to support themselves and their children. They may be frightened of losing their home, their possessions, and even their children. They may be scared of the loneliness they would experience as a single parent. Not least they may be terrified of further assaults if their partner found out they were trying to leave.

Myth: When there is violence in the family, all members are participating in the dynamic. Therefore, all must change for the violence to stop.

Fact: Only the perpetrator has the ability to stop the violence. Abuse is a behavioural choice. Changes in other family members' behaviour will not cause the abuser to become non-violent.

Myth: Domestic violence only happens in poorer or
problem families.

Fact: Any woman can be abused, though poorer women tend to use refuges more than better off women, as they have less access to money and there are fewer places to which they can go.

We've had a woman of seventy-four in our refuge, a girl of sixteen, a judge's partner and a social worker's partner.

Myth: She must ask for it or provoke it.

Fact: No-one asks to be beaten up or mentally tortured. So-called provocation is often simply to ask for money for food or not have a meal ready on time. Women often blame themselves at first but there is no justification for violence. Abusers become violent for internal reasons which are not due to any particular actions taken by the victim. Abusers choose to behave in this way.

Myth: It's getting drunk that causes men to beat their wives.

Fact: Domestic violence can't be blamed on alcohol alone. Some men may have been drinking when they are violent, but drink provides an easy excuse for violence. It can also sometimes be easier for a woman to believe that a man wouldn't hit her if he were sober.

You'd be in a pub and they'd say 'Oh he's a great fella' I would sit and think '...You don't know the other side of him.'

Your husband's not the same person out as he is in the house.

Myth: There's no point in helping abused women.
They just go back.

Fact: When abused women are trying to decide whether to go or stay the forces pulling them away can be as strong as the forces maintaining the relationship. They may leave to test whether they can survive outside the relationship, and return to test whether the relationship can change. While frustrating to outsiders, it's essential, if they are to finally resolve their problems satisfactorily, to listen to such women's experiences and support them in empowering themselves.

Myth: Violent men come from violent backgrounds.

Fact: Some do, some don't. Men who are violent towards their partner can come from families with no history of violence. Many families in which domestic violence occurs do not produce violent men. Children have two parents and a boy watching his mother, who cares for him, being hurt may decide he will never treat a woman like that himself.

Myth: Only children directly experiencing violence are harmed by growing up in an abusive household.

Fact: Children, regardless of whether they have experienced abuse directly, are affected by violence in the home. Children who witness or fear abuse display the same emotional responses as children who have been directly abused, physically or emotionally.